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Run No 1065 I had planned to write a moving and exciting introduction to the Trash this week, with the late comer’s cars screeching to their various stops and parking places, followed by the exciting bubble of eager voices, the failed cries for hash hush, and the witty badinage that marks the beginning of each hash. Atop the hill, complete with its obligatory and vicious on-backs, we found a smiling Hare Maggie waiting for us. Now I am not saying she was smiling as she knew the un-necessary pain she caused by the hill. Maybe she was just pleased to see a hoard of hairy and dirty sweat-soaked hashers appearing at her from the quietness of the night. A flat section of the trail took us back towards the pub. Those of you who are familiar with the area will know that there is a perfectly slope-free and easy route back from here. And also a route which takes us down into a deep, steep valley, straight up the other side of a worse hill, before turning 120 degrees at the top to go straight back down yet another hill. And yes, that is followed by the very meanest, steepest hill of the entire evening. Any guesses which way we went .......?
Run No 1064 It wasn’t Very long before the “On-On” call came from the left down Chinnor Road and the hash was off. Several chEcks and two on-backs later and we were still heading down Chinnor Road. I caught up with Richard’s mate Tom to learn that the two of them are University students in High WYcombe. David was pleased to overhear the conversation as he made it known that he is a Governor (whatever that means) of that fine institution. As a conseQuence of his position he warned the boys that they better “fU@%*ing behave themselves! A check at the Intersection of Scrubbs Lane finally found us leaving the main road “On-Left” and down the ridge we go. As AdE indicated we had now contributed the VAT portion of the run we could finally get into the meat of the run. IT was at this time that I made my fatal error of the evening nOt whizzing to the front of the pack as Gerry found me and coerced me into writing this report as Roger had failed to joiN us following his run last week. At the next check, I heard the firsT plea for the Long-Short split from Marta – Ade either didn’t hear the request or simply ignored it. “On-on straight on” was the call up the patH. As we continued through threE on backs and two more checks (and a plea from David for the Long-Short split) we found ourseLves taking the footpath to the left. Finally when the hash made the check at the intersection with Haw Lane, Ade cOuld no longer pretend to ignore the pleas from the GM and others for a short cut back to the pub. The shorts headed dowN left and Ade realized that havinG not marked their route, he’d better make sure they find the correct way back to the Watering hole. The longs contInued straight on for a gentle climb that seemed to go on, and on, and on. It was broken up by a lengthy search for the Trail as the hare was off with the shorts and the pack had trouble finding the flour when it was cleverly moved to the other side of the Hedge. Two more on backs later and Ade catches up in time fOr the next check that takes the Longs “On-Left” for the rUn down the hill. INside we were welcomed with Chips, several “important” updates from David (did I mention he is a governor of the University where Richard and Tom attenD?) and a 20 year celebration song written by Gerry and performed by Ken and the Jovial hash house singers. Thanks for the run Ade and the bOuntiful supply of chips!
Run No 1063 According to the official time estimates it currently takes 61 minutes to get from London to Coventry. Once we've spent £17 billion on creating a new high speed rail link it will still take 61 minutes and you'll have to change trains. Now of course you're wondering why, it we're spending all that money, it will still be so easy to get to Coventry. Surely for that amount we could make it much much harder to get to.
Run No 1062 - our 20th Anniversary run Sgt David’s pumping Hearts Club Hash It was twenty years ago today,
What would you think if I ran round at night,
Run no 1061 Well I did have a nice birthday last week, so what more could I do than offer to scribe in Mick’s absence! Apparently Kent has more to offer on a Tuesday night - Herne Bay or was it Margate? - certainly castles to visit - the joys of retirement eh Mick! But I digress, even though Mick’s trip was the topic under discussion early on in the hash. Other short cutters were missing too - hope you get running soon Kerry and what of Audrey? So off we went having been told the Long was 5ish and the Short 4ish. No quick decisions like last week then Nick! We had a nice gentle downhill start across open country to Cookham Rise ( the map tells me). There are houses on the map so we must have passed these (do I remember? Does anyone remember? Do they care!) Then a right turn took us onto a footpath across more open country to Long Lane. Is this where Ken and Anthony caught us up, being grateful to Dave for some early directions? Right along Long Lane and ‘walking’ Roger, who was still with us, was discussing waves and frequencies in depth with Gerry (Ed's Aside: actually we were discussing evanescent waves, which are a Quantum Mechanical effect related to total internal reflection and quantum tunneling, which then moved on to dark matter, dark energy, string theory and supersymmetry, but if Maggie had told you that it may well have put you off reading on further, which would be a shame) who had become ‘walking’ Gerry at this point. We passed a parked car with two occupants and there was much speculation as to why they were parked in such a lonely spot (there is a lovely view across to somewhere either Maidenhead or Marlow maybe?) I expect the sight of 30 runners all with torches freaked them out for a while!! So, there is Beeching Grove Wood on the map. Do you remember that? Also a long short split which “wasn’t worth taking”. Sooper persuaded the short-cutters that 4 is the same as 5 and that some interesting heritage sites would be missed! And....... sure enough we arrive at a short path into a wood to find the site of ‘Cooper’s’ Tile and Brick works, (not a relation I’m told). A two way arrow meant there was a choice of route and the eager hashers set off in both directions while I and 3 others, who shall remain nameless, stopped to examine the very interesting National Trust map of the area - I was researching material for the write up - but only gleaned that there was a short route of 500m and a long route of 800m. Sooper kept the bulk of the pack on the Long Route whilst Kevin + another swiftly ran back to win the ‘race’, realising they had cut it a “tiny bit” short. After that excitement we backtracked to the road - no not throught the locked gate, back to the kissing gate oops! Those clever people with a sense of direction thought we were near Pinkney’s Green at this point. Pinkney’s Green is down the A404 nearly in Maidenhead, so I was doubtful, but what do I know - but looking at the map they were right! We reached Winter Hill Road and soon there was a chance for the short cutters to make good progress along the road while the silly Long Cutters went to find some shiggy in the woods ( me too, as I felt guilty I didn’t do the 800m circuit). We found some really good shiggy in true hashing style but horror of horrors, we then stuck to the road after that. Sooper had tried to set across a field and found there was too much mud!! NOOOO! I can’t believe it! Too much for us hardy hashers. We’re used to swimming across deep puddles and wading in shiggy up to our armpits! Well, you have heard of health and safety rules - there were dangerous holes too apparently! Ahhh! So past more lovely houses - Cookhamdean Common the map tells me, across a common to a National Trust sign ‘Bigfrith’, where there was another ‘little’ common and on down the road past the ‘closed’ village stores, another pub and a school and a church ( now I’m so observant) to the best ON INN ever - a gentle down hill on the road AND we’re all back by 9:15p.m. to a lovely pub and great chips - thanks Sooper for those and a good run - and another ‘Feliz compleanos’ to me and some fudge. Hope you all had a good 20th anniversary run and nosh on Sunday! Perhaps Mick will scribe that one!
Venue:- Bee @ Burnham
I arrived in Burnham early and found the Bee much more easily than expected. I don't know why but I was expecting the pub to be down a small country lane somewhere and very nearly drove straight past it. The hash got underway with Mick giving one of the most detailed set of instructions I had ever seen. He even had a list of notes to make sure he covered everything. The short run was to be 3.7 miles and the long 5.3 miles! This later caused some discussion back in the pub! I noticed Mick writing on the ground with flour the letter OS, OL, L & S and at first I wondered if this was some kind of game of noughts and crosses! Mick then explained that these were specific checks and route markings for the long and short runs. Mick also told us to look out for his car towards the end of the hash as there were to be some treats! We set off from the car park and were immediately faced with the long short split. This is a first for me where the long and short split is at the very start. I ended up joining the short run (purely by mistake of course!). We ran through the streets of Burnham for what appeared to be an endless amount of time, I am told the long run got quite lost! We did manage to take in a number of sights of interest including the 16 century church which I can tell you was started in the reign of King Stephen (1134-54). We eventually found our way out of Burnham on what felt like an old Roman road as it was very straight and very long! Some of us stopped to chat with a very friendly cow and there were two small bridges crossing the path which became a very deep gully towards the end. Barney called it a 'ditch' and commented on how handy the bridges would be for shelter when it's raining! We continued on into Taplow and past the village church. The long runners were attacked by Terry Wogan's very large dog and did not get much time to take in the usual beauty and calmness of this lovely village! We continued on into the countryside through Hitcham with the long run going around Hunt's wood and we met quite a lot of shiggy. Mick blamed it on the horseriders. The long run managed to bump into Helen and Carol who had arrived late and decided to run the wrong way around the hash until they met someone! We finally got back towards Burnham where we were almost pulled off course by some footballers playing nearby. Their shouting sounded a bit like our 'On Ons'. We then made it into a housing estate which I think must be the one Mick had warned us about at the start. We managed to find Mick's car and were lucky to get there just as a group of youths tried to take the first wheel off! It's a good job we are a fit bunch of athletes as they all ran scared!! Mick arrived and opened up the boot to a wonderful display of doughnuts, flapjack, crispy cake and cookies. After filling ourselves up we ran off deeper into the housing estate to try and find the pub. We spotted the 'On Inn' but then immediately hit a dead end. Some of us began to wonder if we would ever leave that place! Eventually we found the route out and with a left turn we could see the pub in the distance. The very welcoming pub served good beer and mountains of chips and buttered bread. I have never seen such a happy bunch of hashers as those making and eating their 'chip butties'. We had two sing songs of 'Happy Birthday' for our hare Mick and for Maggie. There was also a lot of discussion on how long the hash was. I think the general consensus was that we may need to buy Mick a new measure. One long hasher did 7.76 miles – this could be in the awards for the longest hash! (I knew there was a reason I went short!) Thanks Mick for a great hash and for the cakes and chips! So as not to disappoint I am going to sing Happy Sorry this report does not come with sound!!! (Actually you may not be!)
Venue:- Osborn Arme @ Lane End As the 7:45 start time approached on what promised to be one of the wettest hashes of the year, and having parked across the road from the Osborne Arms, there seemed to be a distinct lack of numbers, namely 4. But then the hare emerged from the pub and in no uncertain terms, told us we were in the wrong place! Why didn't we go to the car park? Who reads instructions! Anyway, once we got to the starting point, we were all issued with walnut whips and then promptly told not to eat them. This was going to be a Valentine hash, where everyone was expected to be involved in a kind of kissing gate game where at every kissing gate, hashers, you guessed it, were expected to exchange kisses for a walnut whip. There were a couple of drawbacks to this plan. 1) there were only 3 girls on the hash, which meant that there was going to be a slight imbalance of the sexes, and I could sense that quite a few males were feeling distinctly uneasy. 2) No-one was quite sure who was supposed to pass the walnut whip to whom. Off we went, and headed towards Fining Wood. Dick immediately got himself into pole position at every kissing gate, and started picking up walnut whips from anyone who would oblige, this included all the girls and presumably some of the male hashers. The shiggy in Fining Wood was excellent, just the right consistency, nowhere to go round it, and extremely deep. Perfect conditions to start the hash. As more kissing gates came and went, the lads started to lose their inhibitions, and a few were even seen to embrace, and I couldn't be sure there was no tounging going on. You see, by this time my torch had packed up, leaving me pretty well in the dark for the duration. Even Twist got into the action and delivered what looked like a perfectly formed Walnut Whippette, but there didn't seem to be any takers. More surprises were to follow. There were special onbacks for Helen, boys only and Matt, who finally turned up with Ros, thereby swelling the female numbers by another 33%. Also anybody who refused to do an onback was told to donate £1 to charity. Even Ken saved a £1 or 2. I forgot to mention that Gerry will be donating to orphans in Africa in lieu of chips. (Ed's aside: we sent £120 - which will keep one poor orphan going for six months - so we may have to do another in a few month's time) At some point in Mousells wood, the shortcutters headed off towards Frieth, while the longs carried on eventually passing Little Frieth and on up towards Hill's wood. After turning left towards Moor End, Helen suddenly remarked that we seem to have less long cutters than we started with, surely someone was missing. After about 10 secs serious deliberation, we forged on, even though I was sure we had left Paul behind somewhere along the way. Later we found out he had indeed gone short, so we needn't have had that momentary concern for a lost hasher wondering around the woods. Before we got to Moor End Common, Gerry decided it would have been too cruel to send us through even more shiggy on a false trail, so we were spared from this and headed off over the common. We even managed to avoid another extra loop, when someone picked up the shortcutter's trail on the road up to the conference centre. We followed the trail up towards Lane End, and onto a narrow path, where Gerry had kindly organised a refreshing shower courtesy of the pub, which miraculously appeared before we realised we had finished. The best end to a hash for a long time. In the pub Audrey was awarded the prize for the most kisses (7 I believe), and surplus walnut whips were greedily consumed.
Venue:- Black Horse @ Fulmer By a strange twist of fate and scribe-swapping, it turns out that I have to write up Graham's run – and he has to write-up mine next week. Hmm, I might have the glimmerings of an idea. If I give him a glowing write up will he returned the favour….? But rest assured noble hashers, in the true spirit of hashing the truth will out and no single lie shall pass my lips (or at least keyboard) during this report … It was a gorgeous and balmy evening as, in incredibly high spirits, we set off on what was clearly going to be a stunning run in the very finest traditions of a great hash. We set of precisely on time, err, well actually some four or five minutes earlier than normal – which entertainingly threw the hash into chaos as nearly a third of the hashers (seven came later) hadn't yet arrived. The GM set of at a gallop and naturally went the wrong way – which he kept insisting was the right way, but due to the high regard the hash holds him in, he was ignored as usual (Perhaps people avoided following him for fear he might make a speech at them?). With the benefit of local knowledge he continued on his solitary (and to be truthful somewhat shorter and more pleasant) path and was discovered waiting for us at the next check with his cheery curses. About a quarter of the way around the hash was the one and only hellish hill - which many of us had to run up twice due to multiple back checks. Five partially exhausted late comers caught us up, I remember Ken was particularly pleased with the hill – having run hard to catch up he puffed somewhat as he climbed towards the summit with a jolly "Ho Ho, I am glad the hare set-off early and we had to race like deamons to catch up". As for the other late-comers, Des had no breath so couldn't speak, Helen tore up the hill with her usual disregard for gravity, but the only bit of Jo that seemed to be running was her nose, due to a particularly vicious dose of something nasty. Just before Strawberry Wood, Helen gave a sur risingly knowledgeable discourse on the type of horse-fencing the farmer was using. It was obviously a much-studied subject and she spoke from the hart on detailed technical matters to do with the strength of the linkages, with many pros, cons and comparisons to other, lesser, fences. Naturally such a riveting subject brought the attention it deserved and everyone edged away from her. But, lost in her own world, she didn't seem to notice. We reached Black Park where the short cutters peeled off by Pinewood Studios, and we saw the famous corner that James Bond tore round in his Aston Martin more years ago than I care to remember. The long cut was memorable - partly due to the high speed of the pack, but mainly because of Hare Graham's cheerful comment that it would be "jolly entertaining" if we missed a specific check as we may find it a tad difficult to find our way. Only he didn't quite use those words – his version was somewhat pithier and more along the lines "Well be completly **!!**ed." Sadly his prediction was right, though the extra half mile was entertaining and my knowledge of the English language was considerably broadened. But don't worry about it Graham – not only was the specific suggestion of what they wanted to do to a hare who had lost the way illegal in most countries, but where exactly would they get a stuffed porcupine at that time of night ? The lake came and went with Matt & Roz joining us, having managed their own version of the run so far. Soon we were heading north along Queen's Drive, before a quick canter across Fulmer Common and Penn Wood took us back to within striking distance of the pub and the ON-INN. The pub was warm, friendly and as jolly as it always is after such a thoroughly plesant hash.
Venue:- Dewdrop, Burchetts Greenl In a break with tradition, and in deed of the laws of Physics and Causality, this runs report was submitted several days before the run took place. Here’s next wee'ks hash report. Knowing how busy I’ll be next week with little time to write a hash report I’m Wondering if , armed with a few salient facts and OS map explorer172 it might be possible to concoct an advanced (ie before it happens) hash report, so here goes. All you have to do dear reader is insert the most appropriate multiple choice alternative. Arriving at the Dewdrop Inn I was (pleased, sad) to see that (many, few) had made it to this backwoods location, most having negotiated the tiny lanes to arrive in good time to hear Nick our hare set out the hashing rules for the evening. With Gerrys included google earth map proving particularly useful to those arriving by helicopter. Screeching into the car park at the last minute and slotting neatly into the last two remaining parking places, using the traditional and time honored handbrake turn method came Helen and Jo swiftly followed by Ade (no needfor alternative choices here as these three are always late). Trying to work out on the map where Nick might take us next is fraught with unknowns so please forgive the abundance of choices. Note: only one will actually be correct if any. Next we ran (up, down, around) the (hill, field, wood) where (Matt, Kevin, some new bloke) did a (small, medium, large) latte, oops sorry! Moose. I’m getting the feeling this isn’t working too well, but too late to stop now. Several(on backs, stiles, hours) later we emerged onto a road and everybody (re-grouped, moaned about the mud, cursed the hare) on we ran. I’ve left a 3 line space here that you can fill in yourself, in case any interesting, notable, un-predictable or rare event should occur, eg, Kerry doing an on back etc. Eventually we arrived back at the Dewdrop Inn with the Shorts coming in just ahead, having got lost; again a weekly occurrence, no choices required. There was a (warm, hostile) reception at the pub with (lovely chips, chocolate cake, no chips, no beer) it’s anybody’s guess. A great hash Nick. I think!
Venue:- Potters Arms, Winchmore Hill It is such a long time or at least distance since that run on Tuesday that I can’t even remember the name of the pub. It is so strange to do a hash in Winchmore Hill and 30 hours later arrive in Calgary, Canada. Boy that was a long hash!!
Venue:- Dashwood Arms, Piddington 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 & He's Gone Twas a chilly night by the time the rabble had assembled in the back car park, you'd have thought that us hardy hashers would have got the hang of such events running all through the winter an all that. But nooo, some strange quirk of nature seemed to convince a fair number of us that tonight winter was over and the balmy spring was only just around the corner. Still trying to avert rigor mortis our ageing GM soon smelt blood & hot footed it up towards Fillingdon Farm, on his rapid return he whispered gentle encouragement to the kids still playing in the half frozen puddles at the back of the pack. 1 back, 2 back, 3 back, 4 back, more - we soon got the number of this hash. Soon after the longs took a welcome climb to the left which got some heat in the limbs, whilst the shorts were left to suffer the slow slog up what must be the chilliest valleys in the Chilterns. After a few ups & downs, mubbles & moans, Rob's shrill calls from the back half expected me to find him belly down throwing a hissy fit but apparently he was just being gentlemanly like to the tardy Mark 'keys' Bellamy & having just won a bet with Psycho on what number the next on back would be (not like that was difficult tonight), I didn't actually go back & find out what all the fuss was about. Off we pattered up through the rather shiggy Dells Wood, apparently hot on the tail of the shorts, Gerry learnt that running up hill is a pointless exercise & the shorts ignored the regroup, so we did a loop of the Wycliffe Centre - all stopping for a short prayer when we thought we'd lost the hare, (not sure how the local residents would have translated "where the ****! has Sam gone") but with so many of the locals being on his side our prayers were answered & both Sam & the shorts magically appeared at the next check. Like lemmings we crossed the A40, slipped silently through Studley Green, before slithering down to Bottom Wood and followed the shiggy valley through Plomers Bottom, with many an on back keeping the full pack all jolly and gleeful. Just before Ham Farm & with the pub in full view the Blonde & I were convinced that Sam would be leading us back up to the ridge for one last twist in the tail but it would seem his nerve had left him & he'd gone all soft on us on this his last ever hash as the hare, boo hoo sob sob - err who's for a sweepstake on when he'll be back? Back to the pub for lashings of chips, swiss chocolate, chocolate cake and a rousing rendition of the swiss national anthem by our wonderful GM, personally I think "the hills are alive with the sound of hashers" might have been more appropriate but then again I probably don't have my finger on the pulse of appropriateness. Well done Sam, see ya soooooooooon!
Run Number : 1054 Phil’s Aqualung Run To everyone’s surprise the pack assembled on a balmy January early except for two miscreants and chatted in the car park with tales of derring do about the past week. Gerry regaled us with his recent underground tunnel stories of Vietnam and Mick with his impending holiday plans starting at sparrows the next morning. The omens were good. The pub was apparently ready to receive us in the back room after the run and unlike the last visit to the hostelry there was no ice on the ground. What could go wrong? However, trouble was brewing not far away, - at the very first check, in fact. Audrey’s maternal instincts were the cause. Ryan was late, where was he? Had anybody seen him? Now Dear Reader, I consider myself to be fairly well educated and to possess a reasonable command of the English language. I have even been told that on occasions I have the ability to understand the meaning of two simple, yet similar words, namely, “ON ON”. But, to be fair and reasonable to my fellow hashers, - I have to concede that Anno Domini is perhaps setting in, (it should be after the last birthday!), and that a cocktail of both Senile Dementia and Alzheimer’s disease is hovering on the horizon. Furthermore, perhaps it had escaped my notice during my absence before Christmas that the Hash rules had changed, or perhaps, some secret code had emerged and utilised recently. So, - you can probably imagine my surprise to hear from the back of the pack that Aud was “hanging back”. Is that a new hashing term? Has her lovely posterior slipped? Has she developed a new 45 degree leaning astern running style? Has she pranged her car on the way to the pub and was waiting for the AA? After a considerable amount of pondering it was agreed that the assembled mass should assume that after a million hashes under her belt she knew the rules and was merely missing her son Ryan and the Pocket Rocket. It was reasonable to assume that even Ryan would not run like a maniac across the beautiful Buckinghamshire countryside screaming “Mother, where are you”? So, - your scribe urged her to forget him and to “get a wiggle on“ (another hashing term), especially as on the short leg there was no flour or even something something similar to a white substance on the ground. Now, your scribe has to admit that he was somewhat miffed to find that after the Short/Long Regroup, there was another 10 miles of shark and salt water crocodile infested parts of Queensland to run through before getting back to the pub. (It was a bit of a giveaway Phil, following the line of flour across the flood plain from your leaking flour bag earlier). Being somewhat diligent, your Trash writer - whilst attempting to enjoy our splendid and unique form of Tuesday evening recreation by jogging through some of the more beautiful parts of England’s green and pleasant land, even remembered that he was writing the Trash and that a few anecdotes about the encounters of the Longs would be appreciated and perhaps be appropriate. After getting the low down from no less than four of the Longs in the pub, the gist of their combined amnesia ridden recollections is as follows:- “It was sodden and muddy”, The arrival of the chips, (thank you Phil), received lots of “Oo’s and Aa’hs” from everyone, - but the complete lack of beer save for the 6 bottles of bitter the barman was “saving for his mates tomorrow”, got the venue the lowest of the low rating. Finally, Good hash Phil, thanks and well done.
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