Run Number : 1097
Date : 27th September 2011
Venue : The Eagle, Old Amersham
Hare : Roger
Hounds : 37
Scribe : Mick Jones

Prologue
Now with Hawkeye nursing a crook knee, but bravely hobbling round part of the trail, it falls to me to write it up, mainly ‘cos I’ve managed to miss my turn previously by being away the week after my run – sneaky huh!  Anyway, it was one of those nights when, about a minute before departure time, there was hardly anyone in sight and then, as if by magic, hashers appeared from all corners.

Instructions & The Boot(1)
After the usual instructions from Roger, he mentioned that his boot “was full of goodies which would fulfil all your desires”. Various image bubbles formed I am sure, these probably ranging from a four kilo bar of Cadbury’s finest, to a page three model, to a topless fireman replete with six pack but these images soon went pop as we were called on on.

The Run
Left called and left again up Cherry Lane to a footpath crossing where we have previously always gone right towards Shardloes but, breaking with tradition, it was on up to the top with some complaints about the immediate hilly bit. At the top, adjacent to the A413, we went left across a field to quickly lose the altitude gained and then squeezed along a derelict path full of trip hazards and, I guess, at certain times wino’s, to emerge in some sort of ornamental flower beds next to the road.

On right and then left up a track where much conversation regarding the abundance of sloes and other choice berries took place with our “good lifer” Aud advising what is possible with a little picking, illicit or otherwise.

We came to and gingerly crossed the bypass before shimmying along a narrow, sloping path with a tree plumb in the middle of it before emerging onto a ploughed field which we were obliged to run across with many shouts of “incoming” as the quickies doubled back.

At the far corner we took a sharp left and, having felt reasonably pleased with myself for shortcutting the corner, I Spotted Hawkeye (who was still gamely hobbling along), Kerry and Aud  cutting off an even bigger chunk – excellent SCS work!

We came out on the road near Bury Farm and ran to the corner at which point the Eagle was an agonisingly short pull left down the old high street but, of course we turned right. As the vision of best bitter faded away, we arrived at the long/short split where the longs had the pleasure of a luvverly loop out towards Quarrendon Mill and back along the river Misbourne – which probably had no water in it.

Us shorts zipped along to Station Road which we jogged up pausing at the well tried and tested crossing path but, after the failure to discover any flour, we carried on on up.

At this point, local knowledge came into play with Mike insisting that we ought to be hanging a left which we duly did at the next footpath and, amazingly knowing Mike’s dubious navigational skills, we picked up the trail in no time at all.

A quick spin around Parsonage Wood followed with the cemetery coming into view after a nice downhill path. We ran through some sort of industrial units and found ourselves at the back entrance to the pub. This was, however, locked and, as the none too helpful topers in the garden told us they couldn’t open the door, we ran along the stream and on inn along Rectory Lane.   

 The Boot(2)
After Roger’s  lurid description as to the delights to be found in the rear end of his car, it was impossible not to be drawn past (very rare event to actually pass the pub!!!) the Eagle to where Roz , who owned up to having a birthday on the forthcoming Thursday, was waiting with welcome beers together with superb homemade “rocky road”, donuts of various flavours and other goodies.
The usual hasher feeding frenzy duly took place with Trencherman Mike going in with both hands if you will pardon the expression.

The Pub
Back to the pub where a good selection of ales, proper cider and Benchbreaker’s usual stentorian call to order and leading of Happy Birthday to Roz  were to be had and much enjoyed by all.

Thanks Roger for a good ’un and to Roz for a bootifull bootfull!

Run: 1096
Venue: The Stag @ Flackwell Heath
Date: 20 September 2011
Hare: Hawkeye
Scribe: Dick
Hounds: 37

The Garden of Ade

Well the hare was crook, the scribe a recovering crook & the host has always been a crook in my eyes, plus if was peeing raining. N'aer mind, who in their right mind would miss out on the opportunity of a guided tour around the Garden of Ade? The evening commenced at one of the many watering holes strategically placed around his perimeter fence and soon after a call of "you can see my housing estate from here" we sauntered off through the outer reaches of Flackwell Heath to be shown round the vegetable patch (Heath End Farm) and were treated to a fantastic view of twinkling lights adorning the staff quarters (High Wycombe). Descending the eastern slopes - apparently too shady for the planned vineyard at present but Ade has been in strategic planning with god to fast track global warning so he has that covered - we whooped & hollered our way under the drive (M40) before being lead astray by a rather evil downhill false.

A short sharp uphill brought us to the top of the equine training area (Cobles Farm), where the guests were treated to an impromptu synchronised display by 6 of Ade's finest Arabian stallions. Past The General Havelock at the junction with the rear access route to the main residence (Kingsmead Road). It soon became apparent that some of our number were not worthy of casting their eyes upon the main dwelling house & were directed up the service road (Abbey Barn Lane) to view the private ski slopes & communications mast that keeps sirs vast commercial operation ticking over smoothly.

The lucky few were then lead over the inner moat (River Wye) before being accorded a fleeting glimpse of "the road that Ade lives on" - my how we swooned. Freshly uplifted we marvelled at Ade's ancestors now disused railway link from the staff quarters before setting off up into the children's play area (Deansgarden Wood) - some of us were even allowed to play on the swing that the master had used as a child. After a brief loss of pathway in the well tended maze we headed off over green pasture that his lordship recounted how he could remember when "all this was houses" but had them all demolished just so he could use such a phrase in future years without risk of his pants catching fire.

Regrouping at the communications mast, we were again lead under the drive & I realised that with the number of visitors he must get to warrant a 6 lane highway to his front door, no wonder he is so grey & never has time for a haircut. We were now in the southern reaches of the estate that had only recently been acquired and cleared of houses, but were still treated to views of the granary (Hard to Find Farm) and Warren Wood where Ellen & Sarah came close to being picked off by one of the security owls in training. It's quite a testament to Ade's love of the ale that he should near double the size of his estate just to be able to include the Crooked Billet as one of his watering holes adorning the perimeter fence. Off we dashed (or ambled - ooops) up the Chiltern Way to the staff education block (college) before arriving back at the Stag for welcome refreshments after such a fantastic guided tour. Cheers Hawkeye.

Run: 1091
Venue: The Lions @ Bledlow
Date:13 September 2011
Hare: Dick
Scribe: Ken
Hounds: 35

Help! writing the hash report can be a bit of a trial at times and I often wonder how many hashers actually read it. With this in mind I thought I would take a leaf out of Kevin and Ians book So I thought all I've got to do is include as many Beatles song titles in the script as I can manage.
The aim being to make it a more interesting read, though probably losing some accuracy in the process.

I mentioned this to Gerry at the start of the hash and I should have known better for every time he ran past me( which was often) , he came up with a new title.I particularly liked his (Norwegian Wood) as we ran through pine trees and his (Twist & Shout) as Simon called his dog back, but I countered with (Get back) as the FRB's hit a 6 back and shouted (Please please me) and kick out that check to the back runners. Ade cottoned on to what we were doing and said he was having (A hard days night) as we climbed The Ridgeway, but we shouted him down with (Fool on the hill). I thought when I get home will I remember all of these? I wanted to include (Polythene Pam) and (I am a walrus) but Gerry said you can't do that.

Anyway there are 37 Beatles song titles hidden in this report, apart from the one's in parenthesis (that's brackets to you), see how many you can find.

I missed Dick's preamble but somebody said it would be a long long long run as is Dick's want, but this didn't seem to matter as there was a beautiful full moon and no sign of rain.

After a small detour around Bledlow church the word was that we were heading for the Chiltern Way.  Something in the back of my mind rang a bell as I remembered cycling along this track before and I couldn't wait to get going, yes I was flying tonight despite having had a few too many beers the night before.

I had already been caught by one 6 back as we ran past the piggies at Frogmore Farm and I thought not a second time as we approached Church Farm so I hung back a bit. Here the Shorts left us to go there own sweet way and I thought it won't be long before they're back in the pub eating all the chips!

We ran on down the long and winding road to pick up the trail behind Princess Risborough Golf Club. At the end of the track I was quite out of breath but after a brief check stop I was getting better and I soon thought I feel fine so on on we went up the long climb to Lodge Hill.

There were many tracks at the top of the hill and I thought never in my life have I seen so much confusion people seemed to be checking here there and everywhere, but soon we were on flour and ran down off the hill.

It was at this point that I thought , I'm so tired surely it won't be long now to the pub, but at the bottom of the hill there was a surprise because it was Dick our hares birthday and he had laid on much needed refreshments from the back of his car and I thought I'll be on my way. So it was hello goodbye and on up the long climb towards Wainhill. Halfway up the hill people were starting to moan and groan at how our intrepid hare had plied them with beer and then sent them off to climb this huge hill. I thought this boy has certainly got a sadistic streak, and you won't see me doing that sort of thing.

Eventually we regrouped at the summit and there was Jo, I saw her standing there massaging her leg complaining ,its all too much as her hamstring was starting to hurt, but there was no stopping us now as we came to the last lap of Dicks Magical mystery tour. On down through Wainhill we ran and everybody knew this hash would soon be yesterday. We were all thinking there's a place where we all want to be right now and it's the pub! No sooner said than done and we were all inside supping ale and munching delicious chips. Cheers Dick.

Goodbye and goodnight.

The end.

PS I love you.

Run: 1090
Venue: The Hornes @ Crazies Hill
Date:6 September 2011
Hare: Ken
Scribe: Mark Bellamy
Hounds: 24

As I drove down the Marlow by pass, for tonight Hash, the weather was not looking good. Summer seems to have come to an abrupt end. Arriving at Crazies Hill, I notice most hashers, were going for the multiple layer approach, yes it definitively looks like summer is over. Helen and Jo were in attendance and looked like models about to partake in a shoot for an upmarket outdoor outfitter. Most of the remaining hashers simply looked like cold film crewmembers, keen to get going.

Tracker Ken was tonight hare and his vague reference to lengths of the runs, was met with disbelieve from those of us who know that Ken doesn’t set short hashes. Abe put Ken mind at risk, while scaring the rest of us, by saying he told Gilly not to report him missing until Friday! I’m not sure which Friday he meant.

On right was duly called and off we went. The first check was greeted with the turning on of the first torches. A defining moment in the Hashing year, yes summer was officially over.

Mike and Judy late arrival resulted in the FB’s having a very long on back, which was almost a return run to the horizon. Being a polite hash, the next check was called as a regrouped. Ken then called his first incorrect ‘on right’. Was he trying to keep us on our toes or did he want to make his run even longer?

Up a hill we went towards Penny’s Lane. This part of the world is not often hashed by us and makes an interesting change. The area was lovely and nicely cut off; with the landowners appearing to be rich horse owning people. Some being so wealthy, that they even mow their adjoining nice wide footpaths. Our resident horse expert, Helen, informed the pack that wooden fencing in the corners of the horse tracks was a very good and expensive feature and they were well made. Horses, and more important their owners, apparently like them, as they don’t allow horses to get trapped. Not only is the Hash good for ones fitness, it also teaches you things, which are rarely of any subsequent use.

Despite being well mowed, there were unfortunately some nasty ankle traps along these footpaths. This fact caused the FB to keenly look out for them and on finding one, proudly standing over it with a torch and shouting ‘hole’. I did suggest that being dangerous, single individuals with no commitments should go first. I then heard two hashers trying to out rank each other with a comment of  ‘you are not married, but I am engaged’, the reply of ‘I can’t get married, as I having a new kitchen’ left me perplexed.

The short split came very late in the run and had the pack beginning to get increasing aware that we could be on for a very long run. Ken informed the pack just before we split, that a lovely view was on offer around the bend in the road. While trying to see if I could make out Abe house, I noticed I had been left with the shorts. Was the hare trying to lose the scribe?

Later we regrouped by the side of a small road. Hawkeye then proceeded to run after a passing cyclist and failed to see the following female cyclist. So confused were they, by the brightness of his torch and his antics, that we witness them cycling around in a circle later in the evening.

As we ran passed the ‘On-Inn’ a lovely looking pub greeted up together with a great smell of chips. We were not to be disappointed, with many believing the chips on offer were the best to date.

Roger called us to order, to announce that Mr Barney was entitled to yet another T-Shirt, having now completed 850 runs. Having looked at how far we ran tonight and using various assumption that accountant always use, that is equivalent to 42 of Ken’s Hashes.

Congratulation Barney on 850 runs and congratulation to Ken for setting a great hash.

Run: 1089
Venue: TheDashwood Arms @ Piddington
Date:30 August 2011
Hare: Mark Bellamy
Scribe: Paul
Hounds: 38

As we stood in the pub car park the pre-run announcements were complex including virgins, birthdays, engagements and a bewildering array of ad hoc symbology including T, H, BD etc.  Can anyone remember them all?  Virgin hasher Mike had found us online and must have been royally confused.

At the first check the tone was set for the evening with a cacophony of chit-chat so loud that no one could hear the front runners calling on.  We finally headed East, Sarah proudly displaying her ring and Anthony hammering back and forth even more enthusiastically than usual.  What had got into them?

At the second check we headed off up a hill that looked more gentle than it turned out to be.  At this stage the pack was kept together by well-placed on-backs.  After Ade returned from one of these he called for silence and proceeded to try some jokes.  These later appeared in the hash trash.  Did he have a preview? Anyway, they went down like a lead balloon, obviously because the pack was hungry for more running action (or beer and chips?).

At the first split, deep in Leygrove's Wood, we peered though the dark and saw "L-M" and "S" markers which, in due course, were explained by the hare. Those salivating for chips (shorts) headed West and the rest of us continued though the wood, occasional T markers having little effect.  The trees were unimpressed that we didn't say we loved them; they didn't complain; they just sulked silently.
Through fields and woods we went with minimal incident except for a pack of horses who were even more confused than we were.  Helen called the straggling hashers to order (they were just checking actually) and the horses could then seek refuge in a hash-free part of the field.

At the second split in Dell's wood the longs headed up and around the Wycliffe Centre.  At this point your shagged out scribe and Jo soldiered on up the hefty slope and lost sight of the front runners. Ken sensibly invented a new variant (deviant?) trail that we'll call (L+M)/2.

At this point your scribe began to suspect that there had been a shortage of flour for on-backs as the pack seemed to be spread out over a mile or so.  Happily the On Inn then loomed up out of the dark and Mark was on hand with words of encouragement.  Another mile (maybe a record length On Inn) saw us back at the pub.

Mark was then thrown into a protracted chip negotiation.  The landlord was not having any, which, we thought, was a little short-sighted. No discount was given but free apples were provided (was that by the pub or one of us?).  Various sweet things that IMHO don't go with beer were also passed around.

At the pub a quiz was in progress so we were allocated a not-very-separate room and David was offered a microphone to make himself heard.  This, of course, proved completely unnecessary and many Important announcements and congratulations were in order including to the newly-engaged couple, sundry tee shirt awards and the youngest hasher ever to do a long trail.

Run: 1088
Venue: The Dereham Arms @ Loudwater
Date: 23 August 2011
Hare: Mick
Scribe: Jo
Hounds: 33

As we all gathered under a dark sky in the car park of the Derehams Arms, it felt as though summer was definitely coming to an end, and torches were once again that extra piece of kit we had to lug around the hash.  It had been so nice to be torch-free for a few months, and it had been nice to talk to Graham without temporary blindness. 

Tonight’s Hare was Mick and for once Helen and I were early enough to hear the briefing which was along the usual lines.  It started with an introduction to our virgin hasher, Jackie, who had been roped in to coming hashing by her Dad John, who had been roped into coming hashing by the GM when he stumbled across him whilst setting a hash some weeks ago.  The route included some hills, nettles, horses, mud… so much to look forward to.  So without further dilly-dally we set off up the hill.  As I forgot to get a map from the the Hare I will have to see what I can remember, and as I don’t generally pay much attention to where we’re going the run description may be quite vague!

There were various fields, woods and muddy paths, horses but thankfully no cows.  The shorts peeled off and left the longs trotting off towards Wycombe Heights Golf Course.  As we ran past the driving range, being safely shielded from stray balls by a huge fence/netting ensemble, there were of course various chants of “My! What small balls you have”… all very childish but amusing.  Our attention though soon turned to the path which had turned very narrow and overgrown with plenty of shiggy to add to the obstacle course.  Those wearing shorts came off worse, but even long leggings couldn’t keep the stinging triffids from stinging! 

Halfway down this path there was a check, there didn’t seem to be a definitive path to check although Ade decided to have a mooch up small path that led to some undergrowth.  It was here that the Moose met his Dear!  Or rather nearly moosed thanks to a dear that ran across his path almost taking his knee caps off judging by the yelp that came from Ade, which I’m sure must have put a few golfers off their stroke.

We all arrived safely, albeit with grazed and stinging legs, to a road that led us down to the A40.  With the pub not far from where we were and it being quite late in the evening, there were a few groans as the route took us over the road and away from the pub, a few daredevils legged it across the road dodging speeding cars, the sensible ones, stopped traffic at the zebra crossing and meandered across.  So off we went on what felt like Phase 2 of the run, to the other side of the valley, along Kingsmead then a left turn up a long steep climb, under the M40 to a regroup at the top.  Feeling a sense of hope that from here it must be either flat or down hill, I was not disappointed, as we ran along the top of some woods to join Treadaway Hill.  A very pleasant downhill run into Wycombe, slightly marred by a car of yobs shouting obscenities, took us to the A40 again for a short on-inn over the road and to the pub, with a welcome cheer from two girls on a balcony.  How nice!

We were assigned an area outside in the pub garden so as not to disturb the pub quiz inside (and give them all the wrong answers)  Thankfully it was a dry evening, and we had lovely chips to keep us happy.  I think Roger did a speech too (something about the "Oi..." becoming known from now on as an acronym for On-Inn) but it was such a short and sweet speech I think most of us missed it!  Thanks Mick for a great hash, probably officially the last one of summer?  

Run: 1087
Venue: The Crown @ Hazelmere
Date: 16 August 2011
Hare: Andy
Scribe: Des
Hounds: 42

Jo had chosen the Crown in Hazelmere, a nice pub which is famous for a number of royalty such as Henry VIII having not stayed there, however it is Cask Marque accredited, which is a guarantee that inside you will get a great pint of cask ale.  Jo then realised she would be relatively busy on the day so, heroicall,y Andy stepped up at a week's notice and filled the breech with his first ever solo hash.  He called the hash to attention, once Helen and Ros had challenged the parentage of respectively a plurality of people who I did not hear who were and a wasp.  He then gave an instructive briefing as to what the flour signs meant and advised that there were going to be a Short trail of 2.7 miles a Medium at 3.8 and a Long route at 4.9.

There were a number of virgin hashers and runners of all ages including Sooper Cooper's daughters joining us in order to further put to shame those of us with short-cutting tendencies - when those one-sixth of our age do the longs.  Names given were Yelanda, Kye, Amber and Ante with apologies for spelling.  We all started together towards the junction with the two garages and just before that junction took a left at another hostelry past some houses.       

Then we emerged into a large field and, after a false trail, we went right and crossed a road or two and down towards Uplands (or was it up?).  Then, down Church Lane there was a nice view and we had our first split where the short trail went left and the mediums and the longs descended a fairly steep slope towards Hughenden Valley.  I believe there were no takers for the short: I for one was lured by the bells, the bells that were ringing presumably from the church at Hughenden Valley (could they have been the same bells heard by Benjamin Disraeli?).   

With the sun shining and a need for more material I decided to continue with the longs rather than join the medium runners (well done, I hear you say).  Down we went to the valley which was fairly green and, as we did, the growing band of bikers salivated over the potential of this track as part of a bike hash. Crossing the road, some over-enthusiastic longs went up towards Hughenden Manor whereas the check was at the car park before the buildings and it sent us left.  It was nice to run through the National Trust grounds and there was a door near a tree which looked like an entrance to Narnia.  I ran through the door but sadly did not emerge in Aslan's world and even got accused by Roger of manufacturing my own material to write about by doing so.  Then I recall that the furniture that Edmund, Lucy et al went through was indoors so that couldn't have been the way to get there: Mark told me that how they got there was Narnia business.   

At this point I realised that we had been descending for a very long time and that could not go on forever.  Sure enough we had to go up White Hill.  And up more.  And then further up.  And then right and down steeply followed by a further climb.  I discussed with our Nick, our Oracle consultant, the merits of Oracle v Sun accounts as others listened with fascination.  The terrain then started to level off again and before too long the recreation ground and the On-Inn appeared.   

Back in the pub, the hasher I drove in with from Hemel Pete and I both agreed that it was a very enjoyable hash.  He is normally in Cyprus with the oldest European hash still running but is here over the summer.  Chips were produced and consumed and Andy is now off the mark as a hare.  Well done, Andy.  

Run: 1086
Venue: The Crown @ Ley Hill
Date: 9 August 2011
Hare: Des
Scribe: Matt
Hounds: 26

This year’s venue was the The Crown in Ley Hill and again, as last year, a warm fine evening was awaiting, let’s hope that bit also becomes a regular event I understand from the hash report for last week’s run the weather was a little inclement.

There’s not much I can say about the pre hash pep talk as I missed most of it as is becoming the norm for me but I did catch that the long was about 5.5 miles and the short 4 miles and noticed a couple of new faces and the return of a familiar one Niffer back on a six week visit from Nigeria.

The on-on was called up Jason’s Hill and into Botley before venturing out into open fields. It was at some point around here after crossing a few fields that the pack gathered at a cross roads of path ways, Des keen for the hash to maintain the cracking pace it had set out at called the on-on straight on so the FRB’s never ones to miss an opportunity to stay ahead of the game all ran off right! The pack was pretty much back together again by the time we crossed Rushmere Lane. Ken helpful as ever called out the warning of “petrol on the right”, now any hasher as experienced as Ken should know particularly after the FRB’s demonstration that the correct warning for that situation should have been “ petrol on the right not that right your other right“. Once safely across it was a loop round Orchard Leigh to Two Dells Lane and the long short split. The longs continued the loop out and around Lye green while the shorts cut out left and went through the middle. Des escorted the shorts leaving the longs in Roger’s capable hands so it wasn’t long before the map had to be consulted.

The two routes converged near Brockhurst Farm for a little way before the longs had another loop this, time towards Chesham before skirting around Botley through Tyler’s Hill Wood, here it became apparent that next week we will have to start carrying torches again.

There was some discussion around the hares stated distance of 5.5 miles or had it been measured in Desometres one Desometre being greater than one mile, pot calling the kettle black springs to mind as the main protagonist is well known for his use of Kenometres one of which is equal to 2.837 miles ( no name no pack drill, you know who you are).

Back in the Crown Des treated the hash to some excellent chips each one having been individually carved by hand from a single potato. Well done Des great run and chips.

Run: 1085
Venue: The Squirrel @ Penn Street
Date: 2 August 2011
Hare: Maggie
Scribe: Gerry
Hounds: 32

It has been truly said that chatter is the Opium of the Hashing classes, and if you need to be convinced about this you obviously weren't there at the start of Maggie's Hash. But perhaps it was just nervousness as people timidly wondered what sneaky-hare Maggie might throw at us that evening. In the past she has conjured up everything from torrential thunder storms and thick fog, through to her sneakily shortcutting while sending the longcutters on long and very wild goose chases - which always seem to involve mountainous terrain before ending up back within feet of where we started!

I was particularly concerned as a previous hash from the pub involved me shedding a good deal of blood. possibly as a sacrifice to the hashing god (whose name, incidentally is rumoured to be Fullers). I hoped to avoid the former and indulge in the latter – sadly, and on both counts, I hoped in vain. Or do I mean hashed in vain. Or considering the blood, hashed in vein?

Soon the pre-hash chatter quelled slightly, presumably so that everyone could ignore Hare Maggie's rules for the evening, and we were off. Or to be technically accurate four people went checking while 28 other people stood idly around and continued the jovial hubbub of chatter. On-On was called towards the trail in the corner of the cricket field and I checked down the road in what was to be the first of a whole swathe of checks I got wrong. Turning into Penn Wood we hashed almost due north before arriving at the next check (where I again checked in completely the wrong direction).

With the aid or my GPS I plotted the track we took that evening in the hope of understanding the Hare's overall plan. Actually her master strategy seems to have been quite simple. We would hash north into Penn Wood, followed by west, north east and almost every other direction under the sun, through Penn Wood, but wherever we went before losing the short-cutters, we would be in Penn Wood. The trail looks somewhat like the track of a drunken spider (aside, I must check if you can make a spider drunk) (second aside, if you Google "spider alcohol" you get to http://www.break.com/index/effect_of_drugs_and_alcohol_on_spider_webs.html which is quite good for a laugh!).

Eventually we got to the first long-short split – or long-short stop in the case of the shorties as it was an extra loop just for the longs. If we had but known it, this loop took us back almost to the pub. But we didn't and, instead, dutifully returned to the shorts before madly tearing off in all directions around the wood (or do I mean maze?), for the next 45 minutes.

Having lost our sense of direction we eventually hit a track that most of the more experienced hashers knew and thought, "Great, very much on the way back now." I remember passing the very spot where I moosed once before, surprisingly the blood stains I had left then seem to have vanished, but I remember feeling profound relief as the area disappeared behind me. Sadly, some 250 yards further on, sneaky-Maggie (who had probably realised that a group would make a break for home around here) put in a sadistic back-check. And yes, I went all the way back to the moosing site and yes I moosed again in almost exactly the same spot and yes it was the same knee and yes there was blood. Perhaps not as much as last time but what I gained in blood I lost in dignity as I got up, viciously kicked the offending root and had to hobble as well as bleed for a while.

At the next re-group, near Penn Church, Helen got peeved at all of the people that were walking through the now-dangerously darkening wood and thus making her wait, so went back to encourage them with what we shall call her "advice."

Merging onto the common and in plain sight of the pub, the hare broke rule five of hashing by telling the longcutters that had to go on anyway. (Incidentally rule three is there are no rules, which would have put any hashers with remaining mental ability into a dilemma, fortunately none of us suffered in this way and so we ran happily on.)

Unfortunately we suffered anyway, as we had to run through a totally drenching field of very tall, very close and very wet plants. Somebody suggested that Helen was probably running through it with a snorkel and periscope so that she could a) breath and b) see where she was running.

And so totally soaked, we returned to the pub. And, incidentally, whilst I was changing we had a torrential cloudburst, but by then it made little difference.

On back at the pub the rosy glow that comes from an infusion of beer, chips and being married to a girl called Rose, set my mind into a somewhat more tranquil and appreciative mood and I could gaze back approvingly on yet another excellent hash!

Run:    1081
Hash:   The Palmer Arms, Booker
Date:   Tuesday26th July 2011
Hare:  Gerry
Scribe: The Blonde
Hounds: 37

Everyone at HWH3 was very excited to attend the eagerly anticipated International Palmerwood celebrity run. The directors wife ( Jilly ) looked resplendent in black organza draped with sparklers to make Elizabeth Taylor’s look like chips ( no not the ones we eat! )  The director was loitering in gold lurex handing out sweets to all the arrivals. Rumour has it that the bolts he was wearing were actually real. Meanwhile the 1st assistant ( Rose ) was busy organising the evenings formalities to the highest of standards. Fred Flintstone ( Rob ) arrived with his wife Wilma and screeching children creating confusion everywhere because he kept bumping into people muttering as he went Yabba –Dabba-Do.  The idiotic jibbering from Laurel & Hardy ( Maggie & Dave ) didn’t help much to calm the buzzing suspense that had gradually built up.

Suddenly everyone gasped as Liza ( Roz) arrived in figure hugging black bowler, stockings suspenders and heels. She always did know how to steal the show! The camera men were now snapping like mad men in case they missed anything. They were not disappointed as Raquel Welch ( Roz ) entered in shami bikini bearing copious amounts of flesh with her man friend ( Matt ) covered in frizzy hair, with fur loin cloth and ugg boots! Of course an event like this is not complete without the obligatory man in uniform on a Kawasaki Ninja 900. Thanks Ian for bringing the girls romantic pin up into the real world.

The evening was certainly hotting up and Frankie did his best to get the show rolling. The Third Man ( Mike ) was suppose to lead them out but he seemed detached and confused and set off in the wrong direction. Lawrence of Arabia ( Mick ) was deployed to bring him in but the pair were never to be seen again.

The run itself finally gained some momentum past The Squirrel, down a hill, an evil falsie and into the trees. The first award of the evening was to The GM who was cuff linked to the blanket clad eye twitching WB for thrashing around the wood with a samurai trying to look intimidating. Wudang warrior Nick left his master to the mercy of the skipping tune forced upon him by the director and the blonde knowing she could have killed with one throw of her concealed chop stick turned the other cheek.

The long/ short split followed.  Roger uncharacteristically took the latter as he was afraid that his make-up would run and his manic superhero charms would be in danger of wearing off. He struck up a conversation on the pleasures of Cuban cigars as Clint ( Des ) was puffing away at a rather large one. The quote of the day came from The African Queen Judy who casually mentexplained that a W in her time meant somthing very rude - that tiara had certainly gone to her head.

The long runners were led away by the pink lady ( Sarah ) and her T bird boyfriend ( Anthony) and a weird looking shark with a pony tail ( Ade). In hot pursuit was Golden Eye an awesome space weapon in the shape of Helen and operation ‘ Grand Slam ‘ Auric Goldfinger ( Jo) and her manservant Oddjob ( Ken ). Hawkeye was there too but no one seemed to know what his character was but he looked good in the split tunic and arrows. Finally bringing up the rear was Indy (Sooper ) and Jones ( Mark)  who were in hot pursuit  of the parcel treasure that was lurking up front.

The trail itself went round in circles of confusion but Merlin ( Barney) used his magic powers to guide home the longs and Rob despite a small detour saw the Kling-on- on-in sign for the shorts.

Meanwhile back at the party Audrey had arrived as Hepburn as had Brad and Angelina (kerry N Kev ) the corks of  Marstons popped and the festivities in full swing. Best actor / actress awards were to Maggie & Dave plus Roz & Matt.  Flintstones kids were also given a jar full of sweets for outstanding sound effects. The organisers would also like to thank Rose for the gastronomic spread & everyone for their fantastic support.

Run:    1080
Hash:   The Dumb Bell, Chalfont St Peter
Date:   Tuesday 19th July 2011
Hare:  The GM
Scribe: Maggie
Hounds: 27

I don't think we've hashed from here before. Not many people knew it existed but some clever souls managed to find it. Dave and I did some careful planning across country from Penn. Only one wrong turn

( I said right Dave, why are you going left? ...don't indicate right when I said left!) Only two minor domestics en route and we arrived in good time, just as a few raindrops fell. Fortunately they were few and after rain that afternoon David feared for the flour trail, but all turned out well. It was a fine evening with a wonderful light in the sky as the sun set and a wonderful light from the orange t shirts as they blazed the trail across barley fields, through woods and meadows.

We were commanded by 'he who must be obeyed' -the GM, in the car park to get back on time, as there was the be 'a Bar Run' in the pub later - this was to involve a £1 fee and someone pulling pints but I didn't quite understand -  all was revealed later.

Also all was revealed by 'someone' doing a quick strip in the car park, much to Helen's embarrassment (she actually covered her eyes!).

We set off promptly up the lane and turned into a barley field.There were some cunning false trails tonight, always watch for a loitering hare if you don't want to get caught. We arrived at Skippings Farm for a regroup and there was some confusion as to whose wife worked behind the barn. Actually the GM was confused, expecting Graham to answer and it should have been Mike(who was nowhere to be seen) and by the time he arrived Judy had denied working in that barn anyway!!
Nobody took up my offer to skip across the farmyard so off we ran, crossing Chesham Road and on towards Turner's Wood.

Here we joined the Chiltern Way on the edge of Chalfont St Giles and Graham was  asked if he recognised the junction where the bike hash got lost 5 minutes after they'd started.
Jo humoured the GM by taking the pack along a false trail and missing the 'F' (too much chatting). The GM called the 'on back' and gave Jo a big hug for making his day.

At Newlands Park Entrance there was a long /short split with most hashers opting for the Long 'Scenic' route (the GM promised Judy). The short cutters were thin on the ground tonight, not even Barney had made it - perhaps he's still driving around Bucks looking for the pub! So abandoned by the hare, with Roger duly instructed "the map is now imprinted on my brain" unquote, we sallied forth around the ex -Bucks Uni campus. There were some narrow paths making the 'on- backs' quite hazardous but not much shiggy tonight. We went through some woodland and speedily downhill which of course meant there was to be an uphill, this slowed the pack but a couple of front runners had the pleasure twice. ( Serves you right for sprinting up Helen). We must have picked up the South Bucks Way according to the map which is also the 'Euro Const & Co Const Bdy', do you care?

We negotiated a field of stampeding horses -they  must have eaten the ragwort, which was surprisingly in abundance, when it is fatally poisonous to horses!

We were met by the short-cutting hare who explained we'd just run around the Newlands Park campus which he had sold recently to some ... "old people"... was it David? ( Didn't know he owned it either!).

On we trotted over Gorelands Lane and a left brought us eventually to the same barley field we set out on. Even I got caught by one of the many on-backs in this field and like Jo who had been seen leaping in the air earlier because of itchy legs I arrived back at the pub with the same stingy legs, but no leaping for me!

We were greeted by Kerry, Kevin and Alex who'd just got back from Gatwick (?) - you have to concentrate and keep your ears open when you're scribe but things get a bit vague when it comes to writing it up.

There was a feast in the pub, thanks to publican Mike, and the Pub Run was won by John, our virgin hasher. He pulled two or three pints, couple of spirits and opened a couple of bottles and I think the idea was he should drink it all but as he was driving I guess it got shared.

It's not always this mad John please come again!

Congrats to the orange t- shirt brigade - Ade, Simon, Steve and Kevin - for the Wycombe half,  and to Roger for the 10k.

Great evening GM - thanks and remind Matt to do my write up on the 9th! See you all at the Squirrel next week.

Run:    1080
Hash:   The Red Lion, Whiteleaf
Date:   Tuesday 12th July 2011
Hare:   Matt
Scribe: SiCo the Whipping boy
Hounds: 26

Those of us with the foresight to have arrived early at the Red Lion were privileged to have a parking spot in front of the pub - whereas reaching the rear car park involved a test run for the Kop Hill Climb (24 & 25 September, www.kophillclimb.info for further info)  Once assembled, our hare Matt called upon Roger to demonstrate for those who had failed to attend my hash (your names have been noted) the meaning of the flour-mark that looks a bit like this -->|| (note to editor: make sure this doesn't break across two lines otherwise we'll be even more confused than normal!) (Note from editor: Sound's like I am back at school and being made to do lines).   Clearly Gerry must have missed this, as when we finally (and literally) ran across this on the hash, he failed to do so thinking it was a False.

Anyway, enough waffling preamble, time to get to the point - this was a terrific hash across wonderful countryside, but with a dirty great hill in it to spoil things.  Off we legged it down the Icknield Way (or the Icky as PRisboro' locals know it, right Barney?) where sadly local oiks had kicked the flour out. Did I mention my kids live in Risborough? Then a left and on up the marginally less harsh western flank of Kop Hill, but only to about halfway, where we swung left again and parallel with the ridge. Hitting the road, we crossed and the inevitable Himalayan-style ascent began. This was a climb without oxygen, so by the time we had all struggled puffing and blowing to the top of Whiteleaf Hill it was time for a welcome regroup.

Along the side of The Hangings we ran, to the long-short split above Green Hailey Farm (can you tell Matt gave me a map?) Shorts descended to Ninn Wood whilst us longs headed way over to Knighton's Hill Wood and Grim's Ditch. Now at one point as we were running along, a shriek went up. Who could it be? No prizes for guessing it was Jo, but what was the problem? "Something's biting me! It's in my bra!" she screamed. Will she ever learn? We scrambled to try and keep Gerry out of earshot, whilst Ade gamely offered to help, explaining that his hands were nice and warm.  Thankfully whatever had been nibbling ceased to do so, and on we galloped.

I won't bore you with a full list of woods and coppices, so suffice to say there were a few rotten falsies, lots of terrific glimpses of views across the Vale Of Aylesbury, not too many more hills after the big 'un, and a descent to Whiteleaf that inevitably took us across the Golf Course; where was the GM when he was needed?  Oh, and at one point we came across some raspberries, which provided a welcome snack.

Back at the boozer there were chips and beer, so all was well.  And finally let me take this opportunity to remind you all that the Hash Summer Bash and Shakespeare's Way Relay takes place at the end of this month - Sunday 31st July, all stages of the relay have runners allocated BUT more are always welcome to accompany them (especially me as I am currently running solo!) so come and see me if you haven't signed up yet. And for those not running, the rendezvous point is Cookham at the top of Odney Lane, from about 13:00 onwards, so bring family, blankets and picnic and enjoy a lovely, warm (hopefully) afternoon by the river.

Run:    1079
Hash:   The Hampden Arms, Great Hampden
Date:   Tuesday 5th July 2011
Hare:   SiCo
Scribe: Helen
Hounds: 29

Sat here at work on Weds afternoon struggling with that post lunch sleepy feeling and wondering what I could crack on with to keep me awake.  Then I notice the email I sent myself at midnight to remind me of the adventures of yesterday’s hash and to write the run report, so seems like a good way of avoiding the day job.......

How lovely it was to be back hashing!  Have really missed it over the last few weeks – especially as it’s been when I needed de-stressing effect of the hash most (NB.  That’s de-stressing not distressing).  Thank you to everyone for being so kind and sending their best wishes for Charlie’s recovery.  There’s a long way to go yet but hopefully he’s now on the road to recovery.  So back to the hash.  A scribe’s dream as it was filled with action! 

Due to Charlie’s custard / antibiotic administration I was running a bit late (shock I know!) and dashing through Prestwood to try and get to the start on time (ish) when I noticed Audra going past me in the opposite direction.  Now for once I’d actually double checked the hash location so was pretty sure I was going the right way.  So quick call to Audra, who was being led astray by her naughty satnav, got her in tow, and off we set again through the lanes from Prestwood.  Thankfully we met no tractors, or pesky horses ;-), and pulled into the car park just in time to miss the briefing (probably best not to know how far or how hilly and hares never tell the truth anyway!), but not to miss the GM shouting at us to ‘GET A MOVE ON!’  We did manage to beat Ant & Sarah who were seen arriving at the pub and but not again until we were back in the pub.  They claim they went for a run (and possibly met the shorts?) but couldn’t find the long trail........who’d trust a hashers tale!  Unfortunately they missed out on some of the joys of the Buckinghamshire countryside on a really enjoyable hash, if a bit hilly after 3 weeks of no exercise.

Firstly we arrived at a VP – no not a visible pant stop, although I have to confess that I didn’t inspect all derrières to confirm.  It was a view point.  And a very nice view indeed.  With Hawkeye Hilary (more of that later), Super Cooper and Cockerill all sitting dutifully on the handily provided bench like a trio of school boys.

Next came the now obligatory hash cow run.  I think this is a cunning way of certain hares introducing interval training into the hash.  It certainly got Jo, Jane and Audra to do some more sprinting practice, fine performance ladies!  Mattador also provided his usual high standard of herding skills with one particularly feisty cow trying to pick a fight.  Hawkeye Hilary nominated himself as hash decoy and a fine job he did too.

All survived the cow run and we continued on our way.  Next check I got forced to break the most important hash rule of not checking downhill to be rewarded with flour.  On I ran, very pleased not to be playing catch up back up the hill.  Then I noticed something hurtling through the undergrowth at me.  First thought was oh it’s just one of the hash dogs.  Second thought, there are no dogs tonight.  Third thought – OMG there’s a badger on my foot!  Thankfully he was in a rush so carried on his way without chewing my ankle.

Roger however seemed to think Mr Badger might have grounds for a new win no fee claim for personal injury.  Personally I think it was a no fault collision.  Matthew asked whether the badger might be ‘set’ for life...........boom boom!

And so we made our way back to the pub chatting gaily about what an eventful and enjoyable hash it was.  Until yet another hill when we moved from chatting gaily to moaning loudly about tired legs and wondering how far we had to go.  However I did notice that Gerry was still trotting up the hills so obviously his recent on-back training has paid dividends.

Back at the pub we enjoyed very tasty chips, tosca presentation to a very proud dad Simon on behalf of his daughter Jasmine and learnt that Graham’s family would have likely to call him Hilary but instead plumped for Jeffrey Henry Graham Edwards but call him Graham, personally I think Hawkeye Hilary has a nice ring to it!

Thanks for a great hash – fantastic to be back :-)