Hashes

1345

Date : 26/04/16
Hare : Cockers
Scribe : Mr Chips
Hounds : 41     Dogs : 0
Recorded distance : 9.51 km
Recorded time : 77.48 min
Uphillness : 544.00 ft

Apart from praising Ian for a great post Hash spread, I'm not going to insult you or your dog by recounting where Ian's trail took us: if you were there, you know or, one week later, have lost any interest that you might have had. If you weren't there, why on earth would you need to know? Do we who were there, need to know where you, who were not there, were?? Quite right – none of our damn business and the grammar is outrageous anyway.

So, to hell with winning recognition for an accurate and funny trail report, there are more important issues at stake here. With the EU referendum but two months away, what thought, if any, have you given to what will happen to the Hash if Britain leaves or stays? No thought? Just as I thought, so read on.

Kerry and Our Kev, if Britain leaves, EU law dictates that Elvis does not have free access to the UK Winalot market and must be returned to his homeland, France, to savour the delights of goose paté, garlic and Absinthe.

Mick, the EU will brand CAMRA as a terrorist organisation and the Americans will impose their Trans-Atlantic Trade Agreement on the UK by making all pubs serve Budweiser: the UK Health & Safety mob will, further, ban all draft beer to prevent immigrants from entering the UK through the feed pipes.

Barnie, you will be classed as a vagrant for unsolicited collection of coin of the realm without providing any useful goods or services in return: you would therefore be well advised to book two months ukulele lessons starting next week, besides mugging up on George Formby's rendering of "When I'm Cleaning Windows".

Des, an "Out" vote means that you will be deported to the US where the Trump will press gang you into building that wall between Mexico and the US – never mind the view of that country's presidente. There is still time. Take a walk round Amersham's many charity shops and make it look like you're being generous by gift aiding them with that poncho and sombrero – Olé!

Sorry, Alex, mate, but that West Highland Terrier of yours – Scotland's 1st minister, Nicola, will claim that, by casting him adrift on an island that doesn't know whether it's coming or going, you are causing the little chap unwarranted mental cruelty: in addition, in the event of a UK departure, he will have to update his doggie passport photo in order to visit the land of his fathers. Best not to tell him until AFTER you've quit the photo booth.

Roger, those truly fabulous pannacottas that you make for us to celebrate the New Year – well, firstly, if we're out, we won't have access to the Roman calendar anymore, so you (and we) won't know when to make them: besides which, there'll be such massive tariffs on the Italian ingredients that only dodgy bankers and Russian oligarchs will be able to afford them.

Sarah and Anthony, bit late to think of turning the clock back 8 and ⅝ months: if the impending baby fails to conform to the EU dimensions set for straightened out bananas and the permitted weights of sandbags, you're just going to have to accept returning the little chap/girl for re-processing.

Phil, great though the jazz sample was, you're finished if there's a 'yes' vote. Brussels will charge you under the sex discrimination laws for having an all-female band, which contravenes the stipulation that "any female group numbering more than two, must contain one male participant" (the double entendre, "male member", has been redacted). Taking on a bloke who wanders about, waving his arms in occasional sync. with the desired beat plus re-billing "Average Wives" as "Average Wives with a Male Semi-Conductor" would meet EU requirements.

Apologies to you too, Gerry. If there's a "Stay In" vote, the Leveson enquiry into press misconduct at News International will do little to prevent Rupert Murdoch from taking ownership of every news sheet that Britain prints. That includes our Hash Trash in which, under its new owner, you will be obliged to print, week after week, two full page photos of Rebekah Brooks.

And lest any of you still think that in or out (read that as you will) will not affect the Hash, consider this.

The very flour used for setting the trail is at risk – Brexit or no Brexit. China, suppliers of Tesco's Every Day Value brand of flour, will only continue to supply if we agree to use their unwanted steel in our breakfast cereals, underwear (out with padded bras, in with steel reinforced cups) and duvets. It's menu item number 126 (plain boiled rice) or steel slag from now on.

Whichever way we vote, the Hash will change for ever.