Chip Advisor

1018

Date : 25/05/10
Hare : Moose
Venue : The Stag
Hounds : 27     Dogs : 2
Recorded distance : 0.00 km
Recorded time : 0.00 min
Uphillness : 0.00 ft

Let’s have a count up – A good few hashers & ONLY 2 dogs. Where were the others? It was far too quiet!

Phil soon came to the rescue, he was missing Millie so much he decided to do his own interpretations of her by yapping in everyone’s ears so we couldn’t hear Ade’s instructions….we never take notice of instructions anyway. After much deliberating, yapping & chatting (mainly by ADE) we finally set off.

Left along a passage down the side of the pub bearing left down another path & then BAM! into the first of the on backs…. Oh how we all laughed at them running back UP to the back of the pack…. BAM again the next lot were running back. It was at this point I said to Ken “Oh my god we’re in the lead & are going to get cau...“BAM …too late - 3 back!!!

Kerry thought this was funny but we all knew we’d have the last laugh knowing she was next, haa, haa, haa…..Mmmm, a bit premature in hindsight, little did we know she’s teachers bloody pet!
Ade - “Don’t worry about running back Kerry YOU don’t have to do it”
Kerry - “Cheers Ade, I’m your biggest fan & promise to come & buy all those balloons & moustaches’ you have left in your shop that have been there since the day you opened & that none of the local oikes could be bothered to pinch!”

We do chat about some strange things on route…….
Roger wondered how I ran in dangly earrings - So I showed him.
The “D.O.M” of the group (AKA Mike) was heard muttering to himself. “Mmmm, nice view”….as he followed Abbie up into the woods. So we decided to keep her at the back of the pack with us where she’s safe. Will someone keep him in check please?

I was too busy chatting to Barney about the refurbishment of his wood block floor & watching Roger roll in the long grass - twice! So I kind of lost track of the fact that I was supposed to be keeping a check on where we were going!

I know we went across a field & into the woods, back out & along another field. Passing a very frisky horse & round some more fields…..can’t rightly remember where we split from the Longies but I was going to miss my 205 buddy (See we have this special gang now. Only 205’s need apply) If you’re a 205 you’ll know what I mean.

Round a couple more corners & the On Inn was in sight….Sprint finish….. I clocked just over 3.5 miles. Not sure where the longies went but they still came in before it got dark. RESULT !!

‘Twas a great run Ade from a lovely pub. Thanks for the chips & roast tatties…. Gooooorjus.

 

Sorry, this next bit is too long to go on the printed Trash - so heer it is - read it to the end!


Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy." Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): “ England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designatedsmoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle." Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please." Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.

"Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case................... kiss me, Hardy.”