Chip Advisor

The Chequers Inn

Wheeler End


Up down pub ranking

[Mick] Superb ESB on offer with a solid drop of Pride and, for the more fainthearted of our number, or those whose plimsoll line starts at lemonade strength, Seafarers. Enjoyment of the ESB somewhat reduced however by the £4.10 price tag. [Matt] I must admit, I looked no further than ESB Reserve at 5.5%, guaranteed to warm the cockles of all but the hardest (and coldest) hearts, and at £4.10 a pint, guaranteed to lighten the pockets as well. Seafarers was £3.80 (I think, or was it £3.60) on account of its lower alcohol content….as Mick spluttered away in the corner.
Not beer:
[Mick] With L & S heapy cheapy as was the brown fizzy stuff at 60p a half, all was well. Could it be that the softs were dispensed from Tesco's Everyday Value bottles? No idea of the price of Aud & Kezza's chamber pot sized hot choccy. [Matt] No complaints from the softies, although it must be said there were very few in evidence on this night; Jo was on the ales (being driven), Nikki was on the white wine (being on a new ‘diet’), and Hawkeye could only offer me a complex algebraic equation to work out the price of a pint of L&S based upon the round he’d just bought [note - far easier just to lean over and ask the barlady…yup 50p!]. Oh, and as for Sooper, best not to talk to him about soft drinks in his ‘Dry-January’ - he tends to think you’re taking the proverbial and can react accordingly!
[Mick] A very plentiful supply of hunky, yummy chips, the sort that were large enough to be two biters ( Mike take note). A later delivery of skinny fries topped things off nicely although the kitchen staff might consider buying ketchup bowls bigger than eye droppers! [Matt] True, the vinegar was served in large serving jugs, but the tomato sauce looked like it had been targeted by a shrink ray…..they’d have been better off swapping these two condiments around! Having said that, ‘The Chequers’ should perhaps be renamed as the ‘The Chipster’, such were the quantities.
[Mick] Freezing outside and not much warmer inside. The couple of customers and one log on the log burner did little to lift the temperature above that of a morticians waiting room. Radiators purely ornamental! [Matt] Luckily the warmth of a group of hashers huddled together (what was the collective name again…an On On; a Muttering; a Whinge?) managed to keep the cold out…and boy was it cold - apparently there were freezings aplenty coming back from the hash - Deefer’s fur, Nikki’s shoelaces, and Zorro’s feet - although that loveable little bundle of white fur known as Hector did his best to single-handedly raise the temperature of the room. [Note to Roger - do NOT give Hector doggy treats again in an enclosed space!]


The Chequers is a beam endowed 16th century hostelry standing on the edge of Wheeler End Common. With the drone of the M.40 much in evidence, it has welcoming coloured lights to attempt to reel in any passing punters which, given two cars passing at once is rush hour, is a bit of a mission. Previously closed for a while one wonders how long it can survive on a diet of quiz nights, square pie nights and shove halfpenny contests.


 Overheard on the hash (18th Jan)

“Why would you want a light there - it just looks like an illuminated 3rd nipple?” “Have you seen the one on his back then?” [Zac turns round obligingly and activates a red light on his lower back] “Now that just looks like you’re showing off having a prehensile tail!”


“Do you think we should move out of this heated smokers’ area - I think there are some standing outside waiting to use it?”  [Nikki displays female concern] “Nah, they’ve got a limited life expectancy anyway - do them good to get a bit of a cold first” [Matt displays male indifference]


“Now there might be some shiggy out there…” [Gerry’s hash pre-briefing….2 mins later crossing a farmyard] “Erm, Gerry, that is thick and gloopy, but it doesn’t smell like shiggy”


“The Long/Short split is…here!” [Gerry proclaims in the pub car park] “Ah well, there we have it - a Short walk back to the pub, and a couple of long pints…..or should it be a Long walk back to the pub and a couple of shorts….I don’t really care to be fair” [A whole new side to hashing opens up for Mick]


“Hi Jo - what are you doing at the front already?”  [Matt passes Jo leading the hash] “I thought I was following everybody else, but they’d all gone wrong and I somehow ended up at the front”


“Ah well that’s the beauty of local knowledge you see…..I know the guy who owns this field and…” [Ian sets off confidently to the right, when suddenly…]  “On On left called!” 


“Here, you come hashing with us quite a bit - do you want a bag?” [Roger accosts a regular hash visitor…whose name I’ve forgotten] “Er well, not really, you see I’ve got to walk back to the train station and….” [The regular hash visitor demurs….] “Just take the bag!”


“What exactly is an Alpine bunk? Is it something to do with the wood they use?” [Sooper’s mate asks about the forthcoming bike bash. Ian knocks on a table by way of answer] “Why are you knocking on the table like that?”          “Because that’s basically what an Alpine bunk is - just a low-lying table”


“So, I’m getting myself a fat bike - no problem, I know how to handle the wife” [Sooper’s mate displays his alpha male tendencies]  “ So you had to bribe her?”  [Matt is quizzical]  “Yup, a girl’s night out and an expensive meal…gonna cost me more than the fat bike!”


“So I told her about the Bash weekend as well, and she’s letting me go”  [Sooper’s mate again] “What did you bribe her with this time?”  [Matt remains quizzical] “Nothing, I just left a few of the key words out….such as the date”


“Plenty of chips - good score there” [Matt & Mick debate the Hashaltor scores] “Yup, strange that often seems to happen when Mike’s not here” “You should have seen him last week - he was like a vampire at the bar, almost hovering 2 inches off the floor and plundering the chips with two hands like he was going after a virgin!” [Mick’s somewhat florid of Mike’s chip proclivities]



No. Date Hare Details